🧠😈 Drop Your Top Speed (Or Drop Your Man Card)

🧨 That Time I Hit 112 And Nearly Mooned A Cow

Somewhere deep in the Arkansas backwoods — the kinda place where GPS goes to die and the roads are stitched together with cracked tar and whiskey breath — I cracked that throttle WIDE open.

My ‘98 Shadow howled like a banshee. I was flat-tucked, visor fogging, bugs kamikaze’ing into my teeth. At 112 MPH, my belt said “peace out,” and my pants started to peel off like a stripper at a biker rally.

Did I slow down?

Brother... I screamed, I cried, and I held on. Ain’t no shame in a high-speed mooning if the story’s good.

💡 Speed Ain’t Skill, It’s Just Ego In Overdrive 🤯

Look — any goober with a wrist and a death wish can hit the throttle. But that ain’t riding. That’s rolling the dice with your spleen. Wanna be impressive? Try surviving a decreasing radius curve at 65 while dodging gravel and deer farts.

Top speed doesn’t make you a legend — living to tell the tale does.

🌪️ The Backroad Is A Holy Land... And A Helltrap

Backroads are where spirits soar and pants die. They’re narrow, twisty, and ready to eat your lunch.
But oh... they sing.

These roads test your balance, your brakes, your sphincter.
You fly into a curve a little too hot, and suddenly you’re a poet praying to asphalt gods.

Respect the backroad. It doesn’t forgive. It just teaches... hard.

🩲 The Pants Test: If They Almost Flew Off, You Passed ✅

Real riders have had a moment when G-force tried to pants them. If your cheeks flapped like flags in a hurricane — congrats, you’ve ridden too fast, too dumb, and lived to tell the tale.

If your story includes:

• 🤠 Flappin' jeans

• 🙏 Spontaneous prayer

• 🤢 A hot dog fightin’ for freedom
  ...you get triple bonus points.

🔧 Pro Tip: Control Is Sexier Than Speed 🛠️

Want street cred? Learn to emergency brake so clean your ABS writes poetry.
Pull a u-turn in tight jeans without dabbing a foot.
Drag a peg and exit with a grin.

Fast is fun, but skill keeps you outta wheelchairs.
Trust me. I’ve seen the inside of an ER. It smells like latex and regret.

💬 Your Turn, Speed Demon 💀

What’s the fastest you’ve ever gone on two wheels? Where were you? What went wrong... or almost did?
Bonus points for:

• 🛣️ Empty roads

• 💩 Pants-threatening situations

• 👮‍♂️ Near-death police encounters

Reply and drop that story. I’ll pick the best one and roast you (lovingly) next week.

Ride Like Lightning, But Brake Like Buddha,
Blake “Iron Sage” Rivers

P.S. If you saw Jesus in your mirrors during a speed run... tell me what he was riding. I bet it was a Harley.