🧯“Somebody Had to Say It” — and I'm That Somebody

🚦Flashback to a Bar Fight... Over Chrome

Years ago in a desert bar outside El Paso, I watched two bikers nearly throw hands over whose ape hangers were “more authentic.” One dude had grips higher than his hopes. The other had bars so wide he needed airport clearance to turn. I sipped my whiskey and thought, we used to fight wars — now we fight over who looks more like a malfunctioning mantis.

But that bar brawl? It was the birth of a personal crusade: call out the cringe.

💀 Ape hangers: for reachin’ heaven or just compensatin’? 🪓

Let’s get one thing straight: if your handlebars are above your goddamn shoulders, you're not riding — you’re doing aerial yoga. I don’t care if “the look” makes you feel like Captain Freedom of the Freeway. If it takes a chiropractor and a blood pressure cuff to check your pulse after a ride, it’s time to bring ‘em down.

I know, I know: “It’s tradition.” So were powdered wigs, and we don’t rock those anymore either. Ape hangers don’t make you look tough — they make you look like you're constantly signaling for help.

🌈 Neon underglow: Las Vegas called, it wants its tacky back 🎰

Your ride shouldn’t look like it belongs in Tron. Neon underglow on a cruiser? That’s like putting Christmas lights on a casket. Nobody’s impressed that your pipes glow like an alien rave every time you roll up to the taco stand.

Glow all you want — just know we’re all watching and wondering when the techno beat’s gonna drop.

Wanna be seen? Try lane position, head checks, and actually using your lights — not looking like a mobile rave for cockroaches.

🛸 Other bike crimes that deserve citations 🚨

• Chrome overload: If your bike reflects more than your actual riding skills, tone it down.

• Fur seat covers: What in the Care Bear hell is that about? If your ass needs plush, maybe stay in the car.

• Whip antennas: The only thing they whip is your credibility.

• Bluetooth exhaust sounds: You don’t need your speakers to make fake engine noises. Your real motor is crying.

Listen, your bike should say biker, not biker cosplay.

🛠️ Pro Tip: Just because it bolts on, don’t mean it belongs there 🧷

Customization is sacred — it’s where your soul meets steel. But there’s a fine line between personal style and turning your ride into a rolling clown show. If you're adding mods just ‘cause they’re trending on some chopper meme page, stop. Ask yourself: Does it make the ride better? Safer? Meaner? If the answer is "nah, but it looks cool," slap yourself gently with a torque wrench and rethink it.

🤬 Wanna roast your own ride?

What’s the one mod or trend you wish would get lost in the wind forever? Hit reply and tell me what makes you cringe — and don’t hold back. I might even feature it in the next rant. Bring the heat. 🔥

Keep your bars low and your standards high.

Ride Loud, Ride Proud,
Blake “Iron Sage” Rivers

P.S. If your bike glows in the dark, the only thing it’s attracting is ridicule and moths. 🦋